And I am really sorry to everyone if I've seemed distant or down or downright strange these past few days. I think it's escalated due to the fact that after all the exams, I still have to go back to school and work right up until the end of the year. I feel tired and stressed. I really am sorry.
So here it goes. This is the rant: this is me venting out some of the things that I can't keep in any longer. Seriously, ignore it if you will. I advise it. It's probably all shades of boring to anybody who reads it and it's probably tedious too but you know how I am.
Rant.
First of all. I don't feel like a proper teenager in some sense of the word. My Mum continually treats me like a child. She doesn't seem to understand what being a teenager is like. That also sounds incredibly cliched too. To be fair, I think she doesn't want me to grow up but it makes me feel restricted and limited. She doesn't make feel as if I can be independant even though she knows perfectly well that I can be. Also, I feel under pressure all the time from her to do everything and to be everything. I've told her I didn't want to go to Oxbridge and when I told her that they didn't do the course, I felt like I had disappointed her.
Secondly (and I know that this will sound incredibly stupid) but I feel like a loser. I know it's stupid. I feel as if people don't take me seriously at school. People see me as someone else who I know isn't who I actually am. Our year seem to have a preconceived notion of who I and are too ignorant to even see through this persona that other people have constructed on my behalf. Even when I'm working in groups with
other people, they all talk amonst themselves or serve to patronise me. It's incredibly irritating.
I also get the feeling that quite a few people just don't like me for whatever reason. When I smile at people, they just don't smile back anymore. Or is it just that everyone's grumpy nowadays?
Linked to the above point (kind of), I am frustrated about the fact that I seem to repel anybody who happens to be male. I know that this whole idea of Proactiveness was meant to be affirming and something to work for but it's all been a bit fruitless. To be honest, I am a self-confessed romantic and what I am looking for is something that doesn't exist. As Kat so painfully pointed out, I'm looking for a guy that doesn't exist. I don't believe in a Perfect Guy but I'm looking for my perfect guy, flaws and all. As strange as it is, I like flaws - people are so mmuch more beautiful with flaws.
In addition to this I am very shy. Even if I like somebody, I never have the courage to tell them, probably for fear of rejection, which would crush me. This has possibly been the bane of so-called Proactiveness. If I was confident, I could probably tell him. Maybe I should do it but then I wouldn't know how to do it. He thinks I'm an idiotic loser anyway. And it's always nice to find out that the whole year knows who I like - not what I wanted at all.
If you probably hadn't guessed already, I have pretty low self-esteem. My shyness hasn't helped. I don't like the way I look at all and find it awkward when people say things to me regarding how I look. Being called "ugly" for a couple of years doesn't help or that "I should weigh myself" - which two charming boys told me to do a couple of weeks ago. The reflection that I see is what I think other people see of me and henceforth, I belive that no one "likes" me.
I'm going to stop now because this post is excruciatingly long and tedious. This isn't everything and I probably haven't explained it too well at all to anybody who is reading this. Maybe I'll feel a bit better now.
4 comments:
Oh dear Bekah, where to start...
OK, let's go!
Everybody seems distant and down these days, generally because an awful lot of stuff sucks, school, work, politics, England generically, and out of everyone Bekah you have been one of the most uplifting and cheeerful an it is brilliant as your friend to know that you will always be the one that is smiling and optimistic and the little shining glimmer of humour and happiness left in a world that is getting dimmer by the second.
Honestly, I don't think that you are a proper teenager in some sense of the word. I think that very few people are, and to be so would be boring (anyhow, thinking that you aren't a proper teenager is part of being a proper teenager :P). I think that you are probably more mature and more intelligent than most other teenagers, and I think that you probably have a better understanding of life and the world around you than most other teenagers do, which makes incredibly special (in a good way) and means that you will be able to experience the world in a way that most 'teenagers' miss out on. So I say enjoy it! It's part of what makes you you, and I wouldn't change you for the world.
Parents don't understand teenagers, this is generic. This is because they remember what life was like when they were a teenager, and they seem to forget just how much changes. And I guess it is kind of hard for any parent to watch their child no longer need them. You're the eldest, so your mother hasn't been through this yet, she doesn't want to wave goodbye. My mother's done it twice already and cannot wait to kick me out.
For psychadelia's sake, do not let someone else's opinion on how you should live your life let you dictate how you choose to do so. I have no idea how your mother felt when you told her you didn't want to go to Oxbridge, but watching you choose to do something that you love ant truly want to do will be more rewarding than anything else. And prioritising above all else is how happy you are. Nothing else matters.
You are so not a loser Bekah. I think that there perhaps is a version of you that has been created by others for you, but this is never going to change if you don't break it. And yes it is bloody unfair that you have to do all of the work to shatter this image yourself, but that is the only way that it is going to happen. What can I say, life blows!
And I don't think that people are patronising you, I think that they know just how incredibly intelligent and brilliant that you are and they are worried that they won't be able to keep up. Simplifying and talking down is not directed at you, it's their way of making sure that they can keep up. If you feel like saying lots of long complicated words, do so my child, feel free to break above where they are holding the knowladge barrier, the only person that can truly stop you is you.
And I'm sorry to tell you that yes, everybody is incredibly grumpy nowadays.
Ignore other people's stupid commenta Bekah, god knows who these people are, but they are idiots. You do not repel all those that are male. You are (I'm saying the following in a totally non gay way) incredibly beautiful. You have a figure that most people (including me) would kill for. You aren't too tall, or too short. You have gorgeous hair and a lovely complextion and are fantastically good looking.
You are a complete hopeless romantic, but in a world where romance is near dead, this is not always a bad thing. However, look around Bekah! You are not the only hopeless romantic in the world and there is more than one guy out there who you could fall in love with. And is there any good reason why you can't take your proactiveness a step further on a whim? What exactly is stopping you? Being able to say 'I'm shy' almost sounds like it's your excuse. I'm not saying that it isn't (I know I make no sense), but if you really take a good look at yourslef Bekah then you are going to see the same intelligent, funny, witty, beautiful teenage girl that we all do. And when you see just how fabulous you are then you have no reason to be shy.
Well then, there you go!
Thank you for reading it Kat. It's difficult for me to say it out loud so it's easier for me to put it on here.
You're one of my dearest friends in the whole world - our words mean a lot to me so your comments mean a great deal. I feel a lot happier now :) :)
*huggles without the hugging because you don't like it* :)
Love you (in a non-gay way). This may now be a secondary PBB motto. It's not long and it's not latin, but it'll do :P
Seriously, Bekah... you're a beautiful person; physically, emotionally, every other way possible.
I don't think you realize the reason people say mean things like that is out of pure jealousy.
Believe me.
Loves x
I'm not really sure why I'm doing this at 12 o'clock at night, but let's just pretend it's because I HAS A LIFE!
...
I'm really not fooling anyone am I?
XD
Aaaanyhoos, be prepared for some form of incoherant rambling now! Actually, how 'bout some MULTIPLE does of incoherant rambling?
Your rantehfication made me sad.
*Sob*
Because you are the Rhubarb to my Custard and you being upset is very upsetting!
*Double sob*
THUSLY I SHALL LAUNCH STRAIGHT IT!
Seriously, you are one of THE most amazing people I have ever met in my entire life, and someone I'd consider one of my closest friends in the entire universe. Aswell as being my wife, of course, hehe.
And to be completely honest, it absolutely astounds me that you cannot see how awesome you are. You are brilliant, pretty, witty (hey, rhymation!), intelligent, and funny - and some day you are going to realise this, because that's the person that everybody else sees. You always manage to make me smile somehow, because you are always so upbeat and positive and happy, even when everybody else seems to be in a grumbly mood that day. You make me laugh so much, not only because you're incredibly witty, but because of your complete and utter RANDOMNESS. Who else would make random comments about sequins or photoshop our faces onto teletubby heads? XD
And there would be a serious lack of sing-a-longy-ness too! And what would the world do without our awesome songs brightening up the common room? (THEY WOULD CRY THE SINGLE TEARS OF EMONESS, THEY WOULD!)
Trust me, without you everything would be much more boring. Life is more interesting with you in it! And more sparkly!
^________^
Hardly anyone could be classed as a "normal teenager", and it'd actually be slightly boring to be one. You are completely unique, and we all love you to bits for being you. Don't ever change! And trust me, you are so not a loser. Anybody who thinks that obviously doesn't know you, and anybody who doesn't want to bother getting to know you isn't worth the time, energy, or even the keyboard minutes that I'm currently spending on them.
They will probably die alone anyway :)
So, moving on!
Ignore the random losers that make comments. They're idiots. I would kill for you hair / eye colour / figure, and if there was some way I could steal them and transplant them onto me without this being illegal or resulting in your death, I would do so. In a totally non-gay way, you are incredibly, incredibly pretty and I really, really want to steal your hair. Everyday I feel slightly jealous because I know there is no way I will ever spontaneously grow goldeny-orangey-blondish long tresses. Unless I get caught in some kind of mutant radiation spawn, or something.
Not to mention the gushing comments everyone makes on the photos I took of you for my multimedia thing! (And yes, you should be both flattered and disturbed by this :p).
You are a hopeless romantic, but I think that's a good thing. One day you will find someone that's as hopelessly romantic as you are. There are plenty of guys in the metaphorical sea (swimmin' around like FISHIES!) and with our giant nets we shall ensnare and RAVISH them. Or in other words, out of all the guys there are out there, you're bound to stumble across one that is the perfect guy for you. Just because you haven't found him yet doesn't mean he doesn't exist.
And Bekah - guys DO like you. They might not be exactly the guys you want, but they still do :p
I really sympathise you on the parent thing, because my mum and dad are pretty much the same. I think it's because we're the first children, and they just want to look out for us, and it's hard for them to realise we're beginning to grow up, and not need them anymore. I think all parents are the same to some extent, but I think if you're the first child it's even worse, because they haven't ever been through any of this before, and they're just trying to do what's best. Although sometimes that doesn't really come across, and it just seems annoying and way overprotective.
As for the Oxbridge thing - I agree whole-heartedly with Kat in that you've got to do what's right for you. Don't conform to other people's expectations and desires for you, and sacrifice what you want. It's your life, and it's important that you go for what you want to go for, and you're happy with the choices you have made. It's up to everyone else to respect those decisions, including your parents. And in the end, whatever your mum felt about Oxbridge, it's going to be ultimately more rewarding to see you doing something that you've got a real passion and a drive for, and seeing you happy.
I don't think people are deliberately blanking you or patronising you. I do think they have a preconceived notion of who you are, but I think it's the same with everyone. People notice the most obvious trait, or form an assumption, or even make a judgement on someone based on what others have told them. When people get to know you, they will realise you're not that person, and there is so much more to you that what they think they know - and whilst it should be up to them to find those things out, sometimes you have to break up that notion yourself, even though it's utterly stupid that you have to do so.
You are an utterly amazing person Bekah, and in all honesty (and without any jokey inserts) I feel so grateful that you're my friend, because I literally cannot imagine what it would be like without you there. Well, I could, but it's boring and unsparkly, so I don't like to think about it :p
You are one of the best friends I've ever had, and I love you to bits.
*Huggles*
I also apologise for the completely bizzaro comments inserted sporadically within this rant. In my defence...
I'm weird.
;D
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